Season One of “The Experiment” Was Interesting

For the first time, I didn’t feel a ‘no’, the total absence of which made me realize just how loud my ‘no’ had been in every prior relationship.

Stepping into new seasons requires new ways of being.

Living from new ways of being requires untangling from the old.

Untangling from the old requires facing what’s hard and what hurts.

There’s no way around this, as hard as many try. As certain as many are that they can alter their experiences while wholly avoiding the work of going to the bottom of their bottom, the crevices of their soul, to weed out what’s become rooted in their cells.

Today I’m celebrating one year (and one day!) with an incredible man.

One who embodies partnership in every sense of the word.

But I don’t consider myself lucky, and I didn’t just “happen upon” this love.

I found my way to Nick because of the work I did to heal my heart after decades of toxic, abusive, and unbelievably awful relationships. It was a process, one that started after I finally moved on from a multi-year relationship where I felt crazy after experiencing repeated abandonment. One that accelerated after an utterly absurd experience with someone who, at the time, knew me better than anyone else.

I landed in New Mexico with a battered and bruised spirit, bewildered by the things I’d recently walked through, and decidedly committed to creating something new and different—something I’d never experienced before but had to believe was possible.

But it wasn’t enough to be committed.

It wasn’t enough to have decided to transform this aspect of my life.

What made me into the woman I was when Nick and I met took conscious work. I restarted therapy, continued my processing and acupressure work, and started what one of my dear friends and I called “season one of the experiment”—a conscious approach to engaging with self, life, people, and potential partners where we allowed ourselves to be open to what came our way while staying self-aware to a new degree.

I became brutally honest with myself about myself and my patterns.

I learned to say ‘no’ far more quickly and without any wobbles.

I strengthened my boundaries more than ever before.

And I trusted myself much more deeply.

Season one of the experiment was interesting.

There was laughter and a lot of tears alongside an endless unpacking of what I felt and why. Noticing my triggers and diving deeply into them with support systems and practices that allowed me to clear the trauma and limiting beliefs while rewiring my subconscious programming. I was feeling better, stronger, healthier, and more aligned, unwavering in my commitment to “more” for myself and whatever relationship I was going to end up in, while also sinking into the aspects of my life that were making me feel more and more like my most fully expressed self: the camper, the next evolution of the business, my podcast, and my physical health.

Then I met “Podcast Guy.”

And for the first time in my 38 years of living and loving on this earth, I didn’t feel a ‘no’, the total absence of which made me realize just how loud my ‘no’ had been in every. single. prior. relationship—immediately and without fail.

I leaned into our connection intentionally and with an openness and surrender that only self-trust built through painstaking processing and repatterning work can give.

Nick (aka, “Podcast Guy”) had also been doing his work, and the combined frequencies of intentionality, honesty, and desiring something “more” laid the foundation for what we have today: one year of living, loving, growing, and building together—miraculously stronger after 10 months of my failing health, treatments, and recovery. 

I say “miraculously,” but it’s not a miracle at all because it was inevitable.

It’s the result of doing the deeper work in myself to create something different—for as long as it took, regardless of how horribly uncomfortable and challenging it was. The trusting in my ‘nos’ until they led me to a full-bodied ‘yes,’ and the willingness to stay open and connected despite how challenging things may get, which is much easier when you’re in something aligned, be it a relationship, career, space, or anything else.

Change is the result of doing things differently, but…

We can only transform our experiences when we shift our way of being—the frequency, energy, intention, and context that we come from, altering how things occur around us. And, of course, to shift our way of being, we must untangle from what’s old by facing all that’s stored in our cells and nervous system from challenges, traumas, and losses.

There’s no way around this, as hard as many try.

So, why not lean into the work and see what can transform in your world?

No matter how impossible something feels, there’s a process for making it possible and moving it into reality—one I’ve lived and experimented with enough times to know that it’s workable for anyone. Especially when you add a systems thinking lens so that you’re no longer exhausted by the obstacles and harm our society’s created.

On that note, I’m going to be doing something new here this year!

Every 1 - 2 months, I’ll be releasing a workshop for paid subscribers—some from the vault and some new ones around the topics that will be most helpful for us all.

The first one will be my Make the Impossible Happen Workshop, normally $27.

Anything that feels impossible is a clue about where we need to shift our way of being, adopting a new paradigm from which to engage with everything and everyone around us. It’s not easy work and requires us to look more deeply at our unconscious wiring. Learn how to take an entirely different kind of action that goes against much of what you’ve been taught about manifestation and goal achievement—but will allow you to make the impossible possible and move it into reality rapidly.

I hope you’ll join me!