Before We Can Be Stronger for It, We Often Need to Be Weaker First
Sometimes we break, and some things are unavoidably difficult.
One day, I’ll look back on this season of life and say that I’m stronger for having walked through hemorrhaging, iron deficiency and anemia, and all the struggles that came alongside their treatment.
Right now, the truth is: I’m not stronger for it.
Physically, literally, actually—I’m weaker.
My body’s been through the wringer, and my spirit got dragged alongside for the tumultuous and bumpy ride. I’m drained and tired, and just this morning, I was crying in bed because my body is still reacting in less-than-ideal ways.
I’m healing, and it’s hard.
The last six weeks have been a drag, to say the least. It started with surgery and ended with two iron infusions. Both treatments I knew would come with side effects and potential risks that could make me far worse before I’d begin to get better. But I leaned in with the intention of finding the bottom of this bottom. Of going as far down the deep, dark well as is necessary so that I can truly begin to mend.
I chose harder.
I chose additional struggle.
I chose six+ weeks of fatigue and pain.
I chose the path of becoming “weaker for it” first.
In 2015, I wrote about the gut-wrenching aspects of healing for the first time because it was the first time I’d experienced massive, life-altering trauma and grief. I learned quickly that some things need to get worse before they get better, and sometimes we need to consciously choose to break what hasn’t broken all the way through so that we can reset the bones and start healing and regenerating at productive and lasting levels.
As humans, that’s not our nature.
We actively avoid pain, suffering, and discomfort, focusing on “the light” and the “positive possibilities” rather than the cold hard facts, which are: something is broken in us, and it will likely be challenging to repair and rebuild.
In fact, many people have strong opinions about the words I just used.
Opinions like:
“Broken” is bad and negative and shouldn’t be said!
“Challenging” isn’t positive and will only cause things to be harder!
You should focus only on the outcome you want, or you’ll cause suffering!
Friends...
Sometimes we break, and some things are unavoidably difficult.
That’s literally a fact of living this life as a human being.
No “positive thinking” will keep these things from your experience, I’m sorry to say. You’ll love, and you’ll grieve. Your body will break down with age and use, and you’ll probably experience pain at different times. Trauma is unavoidable, and other people are bound to hurt us. Making anything happen—from healing and finding wholeness to making your biggest dreams and goals a reality to simply trying to create anything in life—will involve struggle and discomfort, and, at times, suffering.
You cannot positively mindset your way past this reality, and if you try to, you’ll not only stagnate, but you’ll also miss opportunities to heal and grow into who you’re here to be.
You’ll miss the moments that make us stronger for what we’ve walked through because you’ll never actually move through the necessary breakdowns, unravelings, and moments of total and utter failure essential to build the many muscles life requires.
One day, I’ll look back on this season and say that I’m stronger for having walked through hemorrhaging, iron-deficiency anemia, and all the struggles that came alongside them... because I’m actively walking through it.
I’m present to every reality of this awful experience.
I’m not afraid to inform myself of the potential effects and uncomfortable outcomes.
I’m willing to surrender to the painful processes necessary to get to the other side.
I’m honest with myself about how hard it’s going to be so I’m prepared.
I’m feeling every accompanying emotion with my whole being.
I could’ve buried my head in the sand and hoped this would pass in time. I could’ve chosen “ignorance is bliss” (spoiler: ignorance is never actually bliss) and wholly avoided looking at my situation and understanding what it would take to heal. I could’ve chosen to vision board and chant “I’m healthy” mantras surrounded by gemstones.
(No shade to visioning, gemstones, or mantras—just to the practice of only using them and expecting to heal and transform without really digging into the deeper work of healing!)
But I didn’t.
I found the courage to face the reality of my situation and the strength to lean in rather than shy away and focus on what was more comfortable and easy.
Healing is never easy or painless.
Growth is never without tension and discomfort.
And...
The only way to where we want to be is through.
Through the pain and tension.
Through the learning and discomfort.
Through the consciously bottoming out.
Through the impending “deaths” that precede rebirth.
Through the suffering, struggle, and clawing our way forward.
Through accepting that before we can be stronger for it, we often need to be weaker first. We often need to break down and unravel to our core so that we can begin piecing ourselves back together with more strength, resilience, and purpose than ever.
I will be stronger for this season because I’m willing to be weakened by the process of it in ways that are all things necessary and hard. In ways that will bring me home to myself and what matters most, that will lead me into new and needed ways of being.
It’s not easy.
Not even slightly.
But it will always be worth it.